


A Baby Boy

by MirandasMadeOfStone



Series: Healing Ink AU [6]
Category: My Mad Fat Diary
Genre: Baby, Child Abandonment, Christmas, F/M, Father-Son Relationship, Past Abuse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-24
Updated: 2015-12-24
Packaged: 2018-05-11 06:44:49
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,260
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5617315
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MirandasMadeOfStone/pseuds/MirandasMadeOfStone
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>This is the third of my HI Christmas specials.</p><p>I wanted to do something different so tried a new perspective. There’s not much Rinn though so I do apologise if you find it tedious.</p><p>It’s probably hugely over sentimental and melodramatic - so possibly a complete pile of trifle with a cherry on the top.</p><p>Anyways there’s a warning for mentions of past abuse. Soz</p><p>Happy Christmas to one and all.</p>
    </blockquote>





	A Baby Boy

**Author's Note:**

> This is the third of my HI Christmas specials.
> 
> I wanted to do something different so tried a new perspective. There’s not much Rinn though so I do apologise if you find it tedious.
> 
> It’s probably hugely over sentimental and melodramatic - so possibly a complete pile of trifle with a cherry on the top.
> 
> Anyways there’s a warning for mentions of past abuse. Soz
> 
> Happy Christmas to one and all.

“ _Ah here we are and here we are and here we go  
All aboard and we’re hitting the road”_

Tapping his fingers against the steering wheel, he sings along a little loudly and a little out of tune. He’d seen the Quo live many years ago with his ex-wife; they had merrily danced their way home on the tube when the concert finished. She’d been so carefree and happy in those days; first to arrive and last to leave every party they went to. She had been a whirlwind of colour, laughter and fun. Maybe she had also been a little theatrical at times, maybe she had liked the limelight a little too much, but deep down he’d thought her warm and caring.

His throat constricts a little recalling how things had begun to change after she’d given him a son. It had been as if with the passing of every year after Finn’s birth, her brightness had dimmed a little. But nothing could have prepared him for her unexpected departure. A departure that had been the antithesis of her dramatic personality. It may have been well over 20 years ago, but Gary can recall the day she simply didn’t come from home from work, as if it were yesterday.

There’d been hope in the first few days and weeks that she’d simply turn up one evening full of stories about her latest adventures. But as the weeks had worn into months, even Finn had stopped his nightly ritual of waiting by the window for her.  His own feelings for his ex-wife may have long since dissipated into the greyness of indifference, but even now he can’t help anger, which flickers through his body, when he thinks of what she had done to their son.

He supposes she probably had no idea that her absence would turn their happy, outgoing little boy into a withdrawn, sullen child. A child who had rarely spoken and had been prone to erratic outbursts when he couldn’t express what had been bubbling up inside him. It hadn’t been rocket science, but he’d been so blinded by his own grief and resentment that it had fallen by default to his own mother – Finn’s Nan, who to finally help the boy come to terms with his abandonment. Showering him with love and affection, she’d also brought him the gift of music.

A tear rolls down Gary’s cheek as he remembers the first time his mother had shared her record collection with Finn: it had also been the first time the boy had slept through in months. He shakes his head, silently telling himself he’s being overly sentimental; it must be the time of year.  Christmas was always good for raking up the past.

Yet the wry smile falls from his lips as he can’t help but be taken back to the harrowing Christmas of two years ago, when Finn had called asking to be collected from the train station in the middle of the night because he couldn’t drive.  His son had been in a state of morose inebriation – withdrawn and staring into space. He’d stuttered something about a drunken play fight with Chop that had gone a bit too far, resulting in his black eye and bruised wrist. During his stay, Finn had barely strung two words together and had even taken the phone off the hook.

Gary chastises himself once more for his cowardice in not having pressed the matter and simply allowing his son to be, in hope more than expectation, that he would open up when ready. Opening his window, he exhales shakily as he remembers how, in the following months, he’d concluded that his son had serious drinking problem. He’d even given Finn some leaflets and suggested counselling to which the response had been complete silence.

Gary chews the inside of his mouth, thinking that he should have deduced something different. He should have noticed that something sinister had been at work because there had been no argument. Finn had neither thrown the leaflets back at him nor denied that he had a problem with alcohol. At the time, he had thought he had been making progress, that Finn’s defeated demeanour was a sign of acceptance. There hadn’t been the merest inkling of the despicable truth that had been behind his son’s state.

With a sigh, Gary recalls how, a few months after Finn had started dating Laura, he had seemed more introverted, a little reduced from the teenager who had found his own path in life. A teenager, who may have been moody and reticent with words, yet had had plenty of enthusiasm for the things he loved most – art, music and his mates. Of course, he, in his blinkeredness, had ascribed the change to the fact that Finn had been working long hours for his apprenticeship and on top of that, Laura had seemed extremely high-maintenance.

Try as he might, he’d never warmed to Laura. He had found her patronising, sharp and self-interested.  Initially, he could understand something of the attraction given that she was a delicate yet heavily tattooed singer in a band that Finn had admired. However, he’d always thought that she was putting on a show for his benefit when they came round to visit – trying too hard to be helpful and affectionate to his son.

His stomach constricts, rendering him slightly nauseous, as the reality of the situation hits home once more. He’d never even considered the possibility that his son had been subject to vile tormenting and physical backlashes from his girlfriend.  Perhaps he should have tried to press Finn harder to discover what had really been behind his reclusive and diminished behaviour, but that may have only resulted in pushing him away. or banishing him to the mute world of the small boy forsaken by his own mother.

This whole train of thought has Gary reaching into his jacket pocket for his cigarettes. He’s only too aware that he should have given up years ago but the whole Laura debacle had him back on 10 day.

As the miles to Lincoln fall away, he tries to focus on the reason for his trip – to deliver the newly mended piece of jewellery to Finn in time for Christmas. He can’t help but be excited about his mission and being party to the secret. A smile lights his face as he pictures Finn living in his new home with girlfriend. A girlfriend who has brought his son back and somehow removed the perpetually haunted look from his eyes. A girlfriend who he has come to adore and think of like a daughter-in-law.

Although the couple may have had a painful and complicated start to their relationship, against the odds they have built the solid foundations of something he hoped would last for the rest of their lives. They had an odd kind of solidarity and understanding that came from the suffering that had both endured in past relationships. It was as if together, their resolve and potency of their courage was greater than the sum of its constituent parts.

Gary inhales deeply, recognising that he continues to worry for Rae as he does for Finn and acknowledging that his job as father will last for the rest of his life. There’s something solidly reassuring about the fact his concern for their wellbeing will never cease. Maybe because he’s still got a role to play, no matter how old or settled the pair are.

A grin slowly grows on his lips as he nears the hotel - he’s collecting Rae end route because Finn didn’t want her to walk home on her own in the dark. He was more than happy to oblige because he enjoys her company; she’s always chattering on about something and making him laugh. There’s something about her that reminds him of his own mother and he wonders whether Finn notices it too

Gary curses having accidently clanked the back gate shut, potentially spoiling the surprise.

“Shush!” Rae giggles putting a finger to her lips.

They’re all ready to burst in through the door Rae has managed to open near silently when he puts a hand on Rae’s arm. “Is that Finn singing?”

Standing stock still, they listen to the sound of Finn’s slightly gruff tenor becoming clearer, fading out and getting a bit louder again.

They creep into the kitchen and peer around the door leading to the lounge. At first glance, it appears that Finn is dancing by himself happily singing along to the LP playing:

_“Cos all of the stars, are fading away  
Just try not to worry, you’ll see them some day”_

It’s only when Finn turns that Gary glimpses the tiny baby curled up against his son’s chest and surmises it must be Chop’s new-born son.

It’s a wonderful sight. But he can’t help but imagine what it would be like if it were Finn with his own baby. He tilts his head to look at Rae. Her smile radiates warmth and adoration, her eyes are slightly moist. As she swallows lightly and bites her bottom lip, he guesses that she’s probably thinking the same thing.

They stand in silence wishing to enjoy the peaceful scene a little longer, until Gary finally tilts his head in his son’s direction and Rae nods. He knocks quietly on the kitchen door: “Finn.”

When Finn turns to face them, a beaming smile breaks out on his lips. “Da!” He exclaims a little too loudly, followed by a quieter. “Mae.”

Gary’s not quite sure whether he should be looking, when Finn leans over to kiss his girlfriend. It’s not the chaste peck on the cheek that would have been expected in his day. It’s a lingering kiss on the lips with their foreheads pressed together. He can just about make out his son’s “Sorry I’ve got my hands a bit full”, which comes as the pair finally put some space between them.

“Izzy came round about 3 hours ago in floods of tears. Chop’s out shopping and he…” Finn rubs the baby’s back ever so tenderly, “was crying his eyes out. So I suggested she get some kip in our bed, while I took care of this one.”

Finn sways gently from side to side in time to the music. “We’ve been listening to Oasis for most of the afternoon, haven’t we little one?”

“Oasis?” Rae raises her eyebrows.

“Well we tried Otis and Mazzy Star but he didn’t seem to like them. However, as soon as I popped Oasis on, he calmed down.” Finn shrugs his shoulders slightly.

As Rae makes the tea, Gary becomes lost in a world of memories of Finn’s babyhood.  He had been a happy contented infant, even if his night and day were upside down. The scene in front of him transports him back to nights he had spent rocking his son to sleep in that cramped terrace house, worried that his records would disturb the neighbours through the paper thin walls.

He’s barely aware of the cup of tea, placed in his hands because the images are brighter and stronger than they have been in decades. A vision unfolds of the hospital where he had paced for the floor for hours before being ushered into a room by a nurse, announcing that he had a son. Subconsciously, he places a hand on his chest, recalling holding Finn for that very first time – the emotion was that overwhelming that it had felt as if his heart would burst from his body.

As Rae and Finn natter on, he recalls the promises he had made to his son on that first day. That he would try to be the best parent he could and that he would love and protect him until the last breath had left his own body. Gary swallows thickly and glimpses Finn cradling the gurgling infant, smiling and cooing at his tiny form.

There’s absolutely no tension visible in his son, no hint of the trials undergone and pain borne. All he can see is contentedness and joy. It’s as if the layers formed in those dark years have been peeled back one by one to reveal his son afresh. His baby son, now a man himself. A strong, courageous, passionate man with a gentle soul. A man unafraid to love unquestioningly, selflessly and fearlessly. And suddenly it all becomes too much.

“I…uhh. I’m just going to nip out to the car.” He mumbles before the tears pricking his eyes fall.  
**  
Gary smokes a not so surreptitious cigarette, sitting on the garden bench. He tells himself he’s being a sentimental old fool and he needs to get a grip.

The seat shifts next to him and he looks over to see his son lighting up.

“Haven’t been able to have one of these all afternoon. Fuckin’ need it.” Finn states.

Gary’s dry laughter echoes through the still night. “Looked like you were doing ok with him son.”

“Yeah you weren’t here earlier when he was screaming his lungs out.” Finn chuckles. “Took a while to get him to settle. Think the poor mite had wind or something. He kept burping on my shoulder.”

Gary watches as Finn stretches out his legs and leans right back, exhaling a steady plume of smoke into the cold air. There’s something settling in this familiar sight, something that tells him the world is still spinning the same way it was this morning.

Confidence warms his veins and without thought he asks: “So you thinking about having your own kids? Or are you waiting to make an honest woman of Rae first?”

“I…uhh. It’s complicated.” Finn stutters, hunching forward and staring at the glowing tip of his cigarette.

Gary watches the way his son’s teeth worry his bottom lip as he picks at a cuticle.

“It’s not that I don’t want kids. And, it’s certainly not that I don’t want kids with Rae.” He flicks the ash off his cigarette.  “I think she’d be….she’d be an amazing mum and you know I love her with everything in me.” Finn frowns and kicks one boot against the other, before taking another drag.

By the time Finn speaks again, he’s extinguished the butt of his cigarette, crushing it under his boot. “You see, I think after everything that’s….that’s happened. I don’t think I’m ready.” He gazes upon his fingers, which he clenches then unfurls. “I just don’t think we’re in the right place yet.”

The breath catches in Gary’s throat and robs him of his words. But he takes a risk and slowly takes his son’s hand into his. “I’m proud of you son. These last few months, this last year, you’ve come a long way, made a lot of progress.“

“Humm.” Finn fiddles a button on his shirt.. “I still have days where it gets to me. Days when I feel a bit lost.”

Gary squeezes Finn’s hand.

“But mostly things are good da. Really good.” Finn pauses to look around the garden, opens his mouth and then bites his lip. His voice is much softer when he speaks again. “Sometimes I think, perhaps things are too good.”

Gary frowns and watches the familiar quirk of his son’s mouth. The quirk he makes when he’s trying to find the words to release whatever’s in his head.

“I mean, I just can’t quite believe they can last being this good. You know, being this happy and that. If you told me a year ago that Rae and I would be living together in our own home with me at college and her returning to work, I would of laughed.” He exhales slowly. “Last year, when she was in Tunisia, I didn’t even know if anything proper was going to happen between us. I didn’t know if we could have a relationship.” Finn swallows thickly.

“That’s all in the past now. What you’ve got to focus on is the present and the future. Enjoying each other’s company, having fun and living your lives. Try not to let the “what ifs” drag you down.”

A smile grows on Finn’s lips. “Suppose. But even though we’re both really happy, I still worry a lot.”

This unexpected frankness has Gary ruffling his son’s hair. “I don’t think you’ll ever stop worrying about her son. But you have to remember she’s an incredible young woman. Strong, brave and dare I say it a bit feisty?”

A small laugh escapes Finn’s lips as he nudges his father’s shoulder. “She’s a fucking force of nature. She inspires me so much. Makes me want to be a better person. Though she can drive me to distraction at times. You know she thinks she knows more about music than me!”

Gary chuckles and nudges Finn back. “It’s good to be kept on your toes. Besides you’re never going to agree on everything.”

Finn appears lost in thought once more, face creased in a soft smile, which drops as he speaks. “This is going to sound wrong but I quite like the fact we have arguments. Not the arguments themselves mind. But sometimes when we disagree it’s good. It’s just normal.”

Gary raises his eyebrows, wondering if there’s more to come. After a couple of minute’s silence he looks over to his son, “I’m glad you found each other.”

The words hang comfortably between them in the bitingly cold air. Finn throws an arm over the back of the bench and gazes up at the stars shining down, drowning in thoughts of his girl.  

As Gary watches the lazy contended grin growing on his son’s face, the emotion he has been holding at bay all afternoon, finally breaks its tethers and a tear trickles unbidden down his cheek. His sniff is not subtle enough as Finn turns to him. “You ok da?”

Gary scrunches up his face and turns his head away. His voice is choked with emotion as he speaks. “I’m just being a silly old fart. It’s nothing.”

Finn puts a hand on his arm. “Come on, you sound like me. What is it?”

Gary looks to the paving slabs beneath his feet as if they could ground him sufficiently for him not to come across as overly maudlin or corny. “It’s just - the baby reminded me of when you were small.  All your nan and I ever wanted was for you to be happy. And now look at you – grown man with a lovely girl, a home, a job and college. It’s…” His voice trails off fearing he’s said too much.

He feels Finn loop an arm around his shoulders. “You daft bugger. Nothing to be sad about because it’s all okay now. Mae and me…” He shrugs with a slight pinkness tinging his cheeks. “You already know I intend to spend the rest of me life with her.”

A moment’s peace is followed by Gary’s rather loudly exclaimed “oh shit!”, while he rummages in his pockets. “Nearly forgot.” He passes a small box to Finn. “Stone’s been reset.”

Finn looks at the box but daren’t open it yet. “Thanks. It means a lot you letting me have this.” He throws his arms around his father, taking him completely aback.

Eventually Gary manages to utter: “It’s what your nan would have wanted.”

Finn nods, then lights another cigarette with shaking fingers and passes his lighter to his father.

They smoke in the stillness of the encroaching night, side by side, looking to the constellations above as they always used to with Finn’s nan.


End file.
